Cognition & Reality

Thursday, 30 December 2010

Why No Joy?

Filed under: Attachment,Emotion — drtone @ 3:23 pm

Yesterday, I had an appointment with a urologist to receive the results of a prostate cancer biopsy performed last week. The results were resoundingly negative (i.e., good): Of the twelve samples taken, all were benign. As readers of my blog know, my prostate cancer story has been going on for six months, ever since a PSA test I had in June was returned showing a substantial jump over my previous tests.

When I received the news from the urologist, after waiting quite a while in a consulting room, I was glad, but I was not overjoyed. I don’t know what I expected to happen to me. I had been meditating deeply for some time, weeks maybe, developing inner peace, not only for its own sake, but to prepare for receiving this news. I had opened up a big space, or so it seemed to me. I was not particularly afraid of receiving bad news. My main concern was that I might be forced to make another decision.

Although I had already come to the conclusion that I would not pursue radical therapy for prostate cancer, I realized as I sat in the consulting room that it was one thing to have reached that conclusion and another to make a positive decision, in the presence of the urologist, not to have surgery or radiation. I remembered all the times, sitting in restaurants as a kid, being pressured by my father to decide what I wanted to order–experiences that have made me the quickest menu reader and food order-er west of the Pecos. I knew I did not want to decide anything. The urologist’s news meant that I didn’t have to, at least not at this time about this issue.

I was relieved, but not exactly happy, nor did I become appreciably happier on the drive home. When I got home, I sent emails to several people with whom I had spoken about my prostate adventure. Some of them have gotten back to me, most expressing feelings of joy and relief that I have not had myself. It’s partly in contrast to these good wished that I am aware of the lack of joy in my own response.

The PSA result had turned into a Big Deal, complete with many hours of Googling and angry rants, some of which have appeared in this blog. Nevertheless, in the last few weeks, I had already moved on, I realize as I write this. It had already become something of a non-issue before I ever made my drive to Fontana yesterday to get the word from the medical world. Yet I did get the biopsy because I wanted to know what was going on “down there.” Now I know, and I don’t care very much. It’s kind of a letdown.

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2 Comments »

  1. […] Read the original post: Why No Joy? […]

    Pingback by Why No Joy? | So Easy Life — Thursday, 30 December 2010 @ 5:56 pm | Reply

  2. cool

    Comment by jeremy — Monday, 10 January 2011 @ 9:39 am | Reply


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